Good tidings of thanksgiving and love to you all my beloved brethren in Christ and SHALOM! Today I would like to take a short moment of your time to discuss some issues that have really been on my heart lately, as you know I have been dealing with the sorrow that is the fact of my mom taking back the homeless man yet again. And that is the whole reason I have decided to title this post exactly what it is:
Because whether anyone chooses to believe it or not, YES, my heart has been incredibly ached by this. I get angry, upset and highly frustrated; over and over again in my mind I have thought to myself “Why God, why have you allowed such things to take place?” Why is it that me and my family go to to extroadinary measures giving up so many things (yet again) to help my mother just so she could take this crook back into her life? Yeah I said it, CROOK. It upsets me to the very core because I was SO proud of the way my mom was moving in her life, how she was making something of herself, finally going after her dreams and MAKING them happen. It upsets me to think of the sweat, blood and tears my Grandparents has put into her all their life just so she could brutally harm us all yet again. I try not to sound mean or bitter or ugly, but the only way I can describe the feeling I’ve had for so long is DISGUST.
For months I have been disgusted at the fact that this could ever happen, however I shouldn’t be so surprised, I felt it coming months before it did happen. Just as I had before, I prayed, fasted. It seems this is just something that was bound to happen regardless of what I did, what I just can’t understand is: why would God warn us of things that we ultimately have no control over? Friends have talked with me about this and do their best to explain. But the fact of the matter is, it’s still bewildering me, nevertheless all we can do is trust God, right? Trust him in the good times and the bad times, because he can make good come out of ALL situations. If we never learn to endure our trials gracefully, faithfully, and thankfully, we will never come out cheerfully. We will come out bitter, angry, cold and heartless. But let us conquer evil by taking the single first action to do so.
Let us choose to keep persevering, keep moving on; even when you think you can’t take another step, do it anyways. Because the more we move on in doing what is RIGHT the more God will bless us for it. I have been so confused and so shaken up, many do not even understand the heartache I still feel, there are nights it hits me hard and I don’t know if it will ever go away. I am strong enough to move past it, but I still feel, I still have certain days where it really gets to me and I believe we are allowed to have those days. Especially when someone has caused you pain, not once, not twice, not three times or even four but FIVE times. FIVE times you have been harmed by this person, FIVE times you gave this person you love and forgiveness without hesitation, FIVE times you allowed someone who had stabbed you in the heart to come back in and trusted them. And then FIVE times they abuse you again. I say FIVE times is where I draw the line…
Now this is something I struggled with for quite sometime, but I have now realized that I must. I have forgiven my mother yet again of what she’s done. But as my dearly beloved Australian Brother In Christ, Thomas puts it:
“Forgiveness doesn’t mean, permittance, people don’t deserve the chance to hurt people again. It doesn’t mean you don’t forgive, but you don’t forgive and forget. You forgive and learn from your mistakes.” – Thomas
I fully agree with that, you can love someone, you can completely FORGIVE them, but you do NOT have to allow them back into your life, and that is what I have chosen to do. I can’t trust my mother again and I cannot afford to emotionally, I have health issues, nerve problems and heart problems. High blood pressure and sleep problems. I cannot allow another traumatic experience like this to cause my health anymore damage than it already has. I just can’t, and that ends up hurting me too, but I’ve come to the conclusion that; It is a whole lot less hurt to just keep my distance. Yes, when I see her in the grocery store with her “man” I cannot look at it, it upsets me with hurt too much, so yes. I turn away and HAVE to leave the store. I am not at fault for that and no one will ever make me believe I am, my chest starts hurting, my heart begins to beat real fast to where I can feel it pounding against my chest. I become overwhelmed with emotion, I have an oversensitive nervous system and it’s hard to maintain in horrific, bad, scary or even good events. So I avoid the possibility of seeing them as much as I can.
Living in the same area doesn’t help but I manage. The way I look at it is, I have done nothing wrong, I am a victim, but I will NOT play victim. Because through scripture I am VICTOR. I will continue to do what is right, I will march on in the Lords army with my battle scars, and I will choose to do GOOD, because I REFUSE to be trampled on. I REFUSE to let myself quit. I will not live like I don’t care because I DO care, and while I don’t hope and pray for bad incidents to take place in my life. I don’t fear them, because each strike I take from the enemy just makes me stronger in Christ. I won’t be shaken, I won’t be broken, I won’t be moved. I will continuously stand strong in the Lord. Those of you that read my posts, my statuses and follow me online through twitter, facebook, youtube and my radio show. I will always remain honest and true with all of you, I won’t hold back my mistakes or my victories. I am human, but I do my best to be my best and if I falter I’ll admit it.
To my mom:
“If you’re reading this. Here are some things I would just like to thank you of. Thank you for empowering me, thank you for strengthening me, thank you for igniting an even deeper passion within me, because all the choices you’ve made that has caused me deep, deep DEEP harm. Has birthed something great within me, because I allow BEAUTY to come out of my heartache, I choose to OVERCOME my heartache. While you choose to live in the past as you continuously keep making the same mistakes over and over again, I choose to move on and take a brighter path. With a brighter future and a brighter life ahead. I pray that someday you come to your senses and realize the mistake you have made yet again, you can disagree now it doesn’t make me no difference I still mean what I say and I’ll still say what I mean.
I am not at the alter begging God for your return this time, I honestly cannot allow you back into my life after this, but I do say this. I love you, I always have, I always will. That won’t ever change. I have loved you when I was four year old little boy locked in a basement, starving, locked in a room to stay in bed all day. I loved you when you were sick and ill and couldn’t get out of bed. I loved you when every singing I went to I would plead out to the church singing groups to please pray for your recovery in good health. I loved you when you left with this man the first time, I loved you when you chose to take him back a second time and I now love you when you have taken him a third time. The fact of the matter is all my life I have loved you, all my life I’ve just wanted you to be a real mom, where you loved your mom and we all loved each a other, a great big happy family with a great big hug and a kiss from me to you, a barney family. But life isn’t an episode of barney, but that doesn’t change the fact that all my life I have spent praying and pleading out God protect you, God bring you to your senses, God bring you back to me, all my life, God restore your health, God make you new. All my life crying out to God for you. It doesn’t ever change that fact and it never will. But now we can never be in contact ever again. I just can’t. But I will see God prevail yet again, wait and see, your eyes will be opened soon. My hope rests in the one true God, Yeshua HaMashiach, and he’s never failed me.
You keep waiting, you hear? God still hears me, I know. He will answer too, in time. His time, his sweet, sweet time.. ” – Nathan Tune
To all of you that took the time to read this, thank you, God bless you so much. Keep watching, great things are coming, keep believing, the best is yet to come. And always remember, just when you think it’s the end, think again. Because what we think is the end, is actually the BEGINNING of something NEW…
Until next time my beloved brothers and sisters…